Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

Courtesy of New York Press

Some people just never learn to share. And some other people never learn that it's rude to drink someone else's beer. These two forces came together in the Bronx on Jan. 8, with deadly results.
Carlos Santana, a less-than-mellow 45- year-old homeless man, was enjoying a breakfast beer on E. Mount Eden Ave. While he wasn't looking, the homeless gal who was with him snuck a sip according to the Daily News.
This didn't sit well with Santana. An argument ensued; he stabbed her, then ran away. The woman later died, and her murder might've remained a mystery had Santana not shown up at the hospital later that day, asking after her.
Criminal stupidity never surprises us (which is why we're always unduly impressed with clever crooks). But sometimes, typical criminal idiocy can veer suspiciously toward the self-destructive. Take the case of Gregory Golden.
Golden was released from prison in 2003 after serving 10 years for robbery. Between last October and early January, he robbed three donut shops in Queens.
No, that's not exactly right. What he did was rob the same donut shop three times. He stuffed a remote control in his pants to pretend he had a gun, and never wore a mask, the News reported.
Is this a cry for help? The sure sign of a man who wants to get caught? If you're looking for the cops, after all, where else are you going to go?
And sure enough, when Golden entered the same Dunkin' Donuts for the fourth time Jan. 9 (after openly casing it earlier that morning), they were waiting for him.
While we're on the subject of stupid criminals making things easy for the cops, it shouldn't take too long to track down the man who stabbed two bouncers on Ave. A early Jan. 9.
It was about 3 a.m. when the group of five revelers at Parlay admitted that they couldn't pay the bill. But when the club's two bouncers attempted to stop them from walking out, one of the layabouts whipped out a knife, stabbing one bouncer in the shoulder, the other in the arm.
The group then tore the front door off its hinges for some reason, and scampered away.
Here's the rub, though—the Post reported that the man with the knife was wearing a fur coat and had a mouthful of silver teeth. How hard could that be to find?
Finally, a controversy that has long plagued art historians may have finally been resolved. In Grant Wood's classic painting, American Gothic, why is the woman giving the old man with the pitchfork such a suspicious look? The answer comes, of all places, from Staten Island, via the Post.
On Monday, 85-year-old Frank Palumbo began arguing with his 75-year-old wife over what the pair should do with their million dollars' worth of stock options. When they couldn't talk out their differences, Palumbo smacked his wife across the face with a wooden tray, breaking her nose. Then he went for—you guessed it—the pitchfork.
He never actually jabbed her with it, but he still faces assault and weapons charges. And his wife may never look at him the same way again.